Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Add to your Blog List... Bell Out of Order, Please Knock

Another new blog has been added to the JHC reading list... this one with a Wizard of Oz throwback title (love it, great choice):

Bell out of order, Please Knock

It's a youth blogging about things, and seems somewhat up to date, or at least in the know-ish. It's nice that someone else is writing, and so clearly. I like it. It's a good read. Check it out.

There is something I'd like to say about the nature of my blog (because I do care and I'm still paranoid)...

I stopped because so much of the fuel for my fire was my anger and outrage.  That's all gone now.  This leaves me with mostly impotent musings regarding cult life and the people involved, and I don't post those because they aren't blog worthy being mostly due to fatigue, boredom, and meteor showers. I also have nothing new to add because, not being in it anymore, I have no idea what they do now.  I'm sure that makes THEM happy.  I personally feel like it's a good thing for me. In so many ways, I just do not want to know.

By way of 3rd party feedback I have been told that I am too angry for people in the cult to read, or take me seriously, or see me as anything other than... I don't know what actually, some kind of enemy, or just a person people were like... ehhh, yuck. You know, like how you avoid the girl puking her brains out at the party so you can just move along and have a good time and not get sucked into THAT drama.  But I have actually been told it was just hard to read the raw emotion laced with sarcasm, or threw too many people under the bus.

I write when I'm angry, so it follows that my writing has been primarily angry. That's not the only emotions I have, just the one that related most to this blog. So yeah people, you're right.

But I won't apologize because I'm that special kind of jackass.

It took everything I had, every ounce of that anger and outrage, not to slip back into a cult mentality.  That's what it took for ME to leave. Other people might find a different way (I almost said path... *shudder*), but this one was mine.

I too have warm and fuzzies and something akin to regret for the LOVE I left behind. Those friends, those amazing humans that I connected with on some level.  My regret is, I left and built a humongous wall that I cannot climb, let alone peak over, so I don't even know if those connections were real or artifact.  The pragmatist in me would say, it doesn't matter because I made sure to sever the ties, and there's nothing to do about it now. My warm and fuzzies will fizzle and die eventually, but the embers are still there for now.

The other side of the anger is... the emails, the comments, and the phone calls.  Oh the shit. Oh the bloody fucking paranoid culties and people from the 70's that would just write to me, and write to me. I had no idea I would be SO badgered. It made me way more paranoid and angry than anyone has a right to be. When someone else is paranoid and you're used to hive mind and thinking people are out to get you, someone else's paranoia sets yours to spark, like no other!  I got a LOT of content from people. I had to sift through it all. I had to pave a way and decide spammer/con artist vs. real deal vs. phishing for information vs. misinformation vs. real friend vs. false friend. It was like interval training with my emotions.

Being the connecting element of the cult disenfranchised has not been an easy task.  I always said I should never be in management, I'm not suited to handling that many people's shit. This just proved it. Thank you anyway for the people that have supported me and found some kind of something in this blog. Hopefully, I assisted in being a trailblazer to get the conversation started and get rid of other people's majorly nasty knee-jerks to being exposed.  It smooths the way for the kinder and gentlers to blog, like, Bell out of Order, Please Knock.

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